I'm Nothing With a big big N
by CamCam
Summary: The thing was, this whole "darkness around your heart" didn't bring anything new.


**English is not my first language and your eyes are going to burn with all my mistakes. I'm sorry.**

**Things you don't want to read : **okay, so I have no idea what this is. I was having a panic attack, and my thoughs were not really pretty. So I try to make something of it, but I failed completely. I shouldn't even post this, and maybe I'm going to delete it latter, bur for now, I needed somewhere to put this shit. So, I'm really sorry, you're going to lose your time of you read this horror. So, yeah.

* * *

The thing was, this whole "darkness around your heart" didn't bring anything new. Sure, he could feel it. It's like an emptiness inside of him. Like, no matther how tight the blankets are arround him, pieces of him are still faling appart.

Having a hole was a feeling he was used to – perk of losing your mom – but this was different. He wasn't feeling empty because of the lost of someone. He was feeling empty because he didn't think he was worth to fill it.

Nothing special happen when he was kid. He was like the others, happy, loved, curious and all these things. Nobody never told him once something really mean, the kind of things which makes you want to jump off a cliff. There was no event who could have push him to start to depreciate himself.

At first, it wasn't so bad, just sentences like "_you're a idiot_" and "_why have you say that ?_". But then, it got worse. Specially when his mom got sick. It was sentences like "_you are exausting her_" ; "_you're not doing anything right for her_" and "_it's your fault_".

That was how he knew he wasn't a good person. Because a good person doesn't kill her own mother.

The hole was accompanied with "_at least now, she won't have to deal with you anymore_" ; "_she's free of you_" ; "_killing your mom wasn't enough, now you are killing your dad too_" and "_maybe you should stop being a burden and disappear_".

He never wanted to kill himself. He wanted to stop existing – or at least, not be aware he was existing. Maybe there was no difference with these kind of thoughts and thinking about sucide, but he was rassuring himself like that ; he didn't want to hung himsel nor takes pills – even if, someday, he didn't know if he would move if a car was going to hit him.

But he was still going on. Things was better until this night in the woods. The night he ruined Scott's life forever. It didn't matter that Scott was telling him the contrary, he knew better. Scott wasn't saying anything because he was an amazing friend. But the truth was, he had ruined Scott because he was a fucking moron who didn't think and ruined everyone's life. Afterall, he had already ruined his parents' life. It was only a matter of time before he'll do the same with his best friend.

Then, it gets worse and worse. Even if he mades out of every situation, even if he was doing greats things and had greats ideas, it was never enough. He wasn't fast enough to save Lydia. He wasn't strong enough to save Erica and Boyd, and to face an old man. He wasn't honnet enough to keep his relationship with his dad. He wans't remarkable enough to get the girl. He wasn't clever enough to stop the sacrifices. He wasn't skilled enough to save his dad.

He just wasn't enough.

It was sentences like "_you're not worth it_" ; "_you're useless_" ; "_you'll make everyone's life so much better if you just disappear_".

But he couldn't disappear. Because he was a selfish bastard. Because he wanted to make things rhight when all he was doing was making them worst. Because sometimes, his dad would say "_I'm proud of you_" and Scott "_I don't know what I would do if you weren't here_", and for a moment, things would be okay. He would be doing right.

But too soon, he would see the disappointment behind his father's words and exasperation in Scott's acts. He would realise that the wolfs didn't trust him and thought of him as liability. He would end up alone, no matther what, because he was never somebody first choice. Even the darrach, this fucking monster, was more worth the alpha's trust than him (or ex-alpha, whatever, this wasn't the point).

So, the thing was, all these thoughs wasn't new. They were just more present. He couldn't not hearing them. He couldn't even blame the others for telling him this, for making him hearing him their voices all the time ; because it was his own voice he was focus on, and how can you protecting you from yourself ? Even if they didn't tell him all of this, he knew it was what they were thinking, because it was what he was thinking.

Because when he was looking in the mirror, he wasn't seeing some demon inside of him. He was seeing himself like he was. He was only seeing a failure.

* * *

_I don't know, like I said, I wasn't really feeling well, and I think of Stiles and how I could write a page of crap._


End file.
